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Ok, I know that you’re out there. Yep, you. You’re caught red-handed and about to be exposed. You might have fallen into your current crisis because of a few different scenarios but regardless, you woke up this morning and realized that you’re up to your neck and need help fast.

You may even be in worse shape and dumbly ask, what’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong! It is two days until Christmas and you either forgot to buy a gift for someone important, or you’ve been doodling and haven’t finished your shopping list or worst of all character flaws, you’re a procrastinator! Bad shopper.

Well, regardless of what the root cause is of why you woke up this morning and are reading this article and realize that you’re in deep poo, I’ll help bail you out. But we have to act fast.

OPTION ONE

Rush out and buy something stupid. Yeah, like another blender to go in the closet with the other five that you’ve bought them the last five consecutive years for the same reason. Nope, don’t do that. Bad shopper.

OPTION TWO

You can put on your survival gear and go out and battle the crowds in the malls, fighting and clawing to get the one last item on the Blue Light special rack. You’ll be battling against the professionals. It’ll be a cat fight. They’ll double team you. One will be clawing out your eyes, one biting your ankles and in the meanwhile their buddy will be up ringing out at the cashier the item you thought you had safely deposited in your cart. Nope, this option isn’t a good one either.

OPTION THREE

The parking will be horrendous, fighting the crowds will be brutal but you can still salvage all future relationships by hitting an outdoor store the last two days before Christmas. Items will be picked over.

You may have to buy them the wrong color/size and play dumb and give them the sales receipt so they can go in and exchange it for the proper color/size.

BUT — whatever you do, don’t buy the next size up. You can play as dumb as you want but you’ll still get killed. Here’s what I mean by this. Let’s say your wife wears a ‘Large’ shirt. They are out of stock so you buy her a 4X and tell her if it doesn’t fit to go exchange it. Stupid move. Buy a small or better yet a petite. That will really give you brownie points. You get my drift.

OPTION FOUR

You may have to resign to the fact that you’re sunk. You waited too long. Well, let’s minimize the damage. Take a swig of lemon juice or vinegar to add auditory effects and call in sick. Fire up the computer and let’s hit the internet. Go online to their favorite outdoor store and order some presents right fast.

Of course, unless you’re willing to mortgage the house for overnight delivery charges then it’s going to be late. But we can fib our way out of this one. After placing all of the orders jump in the car and go in to work. Tell them you got miraculously healed and came in to help out the beloved boss. If you don’t want to do that then go hang out at the coffee shop and come home a few minutes after she/he gets home from work so they think you’ve been at work all day. Stomp in the house fuming.

When they ask what’s wrong angrily tell them that you can’t believe it. The gifts that you ordered a month ago, you just received a shipping update and it won’t arrive until two days after Christmas. They’ll lovingly hug you and tell you don’t worry. Then excitedly proclaim, I know what I’ll do, I’ll print a picture of the gift and put in a box and wrap it so it’s like you’re getting a gift. They’ll see your sincerity and pardon you.

When the package arrives, scruff it up a little, put on a few grease smears so it looks like it had a long, hard trip. Whew, redemption completed and a near death experience narrowly averted.

Here is one last option for redemption. I wrote a Christmas List for the Outdoorsman article a couple of weeks ago but here are a few more items by me you might consider:

On Amazon Kindle: 1. HOW TO SHARPEN YOUR KNIFE. 2. SURVIVAL TIPS FOR THE OUTDOORSMAN. Who wouldn’t want some of these profound pieces of literature?

Gift cards at their favorite outdoor store: This one isn’t all bad, they can buy what they want.

Coupon for a guided fishing trip.

Coupon for a rafting

New fishing rod/reel. You can probably find some off-season items still in stock.

Ski tickets for Bogus Basin.

Rent some snowmobiles.

Cabin up at McCall for a weekend.

Well, hopefully I’ve helped you avert a near nuclear type of meltdown in your relationship. Stay tuned, I’ll be back Feb. 13 to help you survive Valentine’s Day!

CONFESSION: OK, OK, as I type this article I’m on an airplane enroute home. I’d been out of state for five weeks, flew home for Thanksgiving and flew out again for three weeks. I just hit town and am about to scramble to finish my shopping, too! Gotta go!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

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