At the outset of a year now lost in the shadows of the distant past, I began to see misty visions of what would transpire over the ensuing 12 months. At first, I believed it to be a lingering effect of celebrating New Year’s Eve by staying up late watching Dick Clark and over-indulging in my (then) favorite cocktail, a cheap malt liquor blended with soy sauce and Sangria. (I named it the “Singapore Sludge.”)
Years later, Dick Clark had been replaced by something called a “Ryan Seacrest,” and my favorite drink had become a wine cooler from a can mixed with Alka Seltzer, but I continued having these uncanny visions every January first. I published the prognostications under the pen name Nostril Bill, in homage to the greatest of all prognosticators, Nostril Thomas. For the purpose of playing seer once a year, I have kept the nom de plume, even though I’ve since learned that I’d been hearing Nostril Thomas’ name wrong, and it is actually “Nostradamus.”
Following are a few of Nostril Bill’s predictions for 2022:
• Refusing to offer any documentation to back her claim, Lt. Governor and gubernatorial candidate Janice McGeachin will insist she’s unearthed an obscure Idaho statute that allows the Lieutenant Guv to take charge of state affairs whenever the presiding governor falls asleep. Governor Brad Little is heard to mutter, repeatedly, “Poppycock!” However, to play it safe, he goes on a diet of Red Bull and No Doze. He lasts a full five days before drifting off during a press conference, at which time McGeachin changes the Idaho National Guard official uniform to white polo shirts and tan khakis, and declares that the state’s MLK Day activities will henceforth include a “Jews Will Not Replace Us” parade up Capitol Boulevard.
• After months of Americans watching that television commercial explaining Peyronie’s Disease by using a vegetable to illustrate the effect this affliction can have on men’s private parts, the market for carrots will drop so precipitously that by year’s end, they’ll be used only for horse treats and, when puréed, baby food.
• COVID-19 will continue to rampage through Idaho communities, largely because people of a certain political persuasion continue to resist vaccination based on evermore ridiculous reasons, such as “The vaccine causes you to hear Adele songs even when the radio is unplugged,” and, “ It makes your tattoos fall off.” A new variant will be identified in Elmore County and designated “Zappa” by the (alleged) doctor and Central District Health Board member, Ryan Cole. Cole thinks he’s referencing the Greek alphabet, but is actually flashing back to his teenage years when he believed Mothers of Invention to be the raddest rock band, ever.
• Shortly after the Fourth of July, the median price of a single-family dwelling in Ada County will top $1,000,000. Every homeowner between Lucky Peak Dam and Star Road cashes out, buys a monster RV, and takes to the road. Come Labor Day, there won’t be a single person living in Boise, Meridian or Eagle who has been in Idaho more than six weeks.
• A video surfaces of Donald Trump admitting to Geraldo Rivera that … “Sure, I know I lost the election. But I know I lost it better than anybody else who knows I lost it. In fact, I’ve been told that nobody in all of history is as good at knowing I lost that election as me!” After the clip goes viral, Donald Trump becomes the prime suspect in the minds of his supporters as to which Deep State figure is most responsible for stealing the election from Donald Trump.
• On day one of the 2022 legislative session, the Republican majority will install Wayne Hoffman as the official chaplain of the Idaho Legislature. Previously known as the public face of the shadowy Idaho Freedom Foundation, Hoffman eagerly accepts the new position, saying, “Great! Now I won’t have to sneak pre-written legislation to them inside Vito Barbieri’s underwear anymore. I can just tell ‘em how to vote during the morning invocation.”
• Scott Yenor, controversial Poly-Sci professor at Boise State University, will continue teaching, even as enrollment in his classes falls to a level that indicates anyone still interested in hearing his crap was never going to graduate, anyway.
• Faced with the first serious primary opponent of his career as an Idaho Congressman, Mike Simpson will defend his record (at a town hall meeting in Salmon), insisting that his proposal for the Lower Snake dams has been totally misrepresented. “No, no, no!” explains Rep. Simpson. “I never said we should breach the dams. What I said was, we should bleach the dams. Bleach, get it? I just think they’re looking a little grimy and maybe if we whitened them up some, it’d make everybody feel a little cheerier when the stupid fish go extinct.”
• Lawyers for accused killers Lori and Chad Daybell will petition the court, asking that the trial venue be moved to Florida on the basis that it’s impossible to assemble an impartial jury anywhere within a 72-hour drive of Idaho. The court agrees and allows the proceedings to resume in Tallahassee. Within minutes of the trial’s opening statements, all charges against the Daybells are dropped and the couple walks free, as it seems there are actually no laws on Florida’s books that make it illegal to murder your children.
• Senator Jim Risch will confess to Fox News host Tucker Carlson that he is utterly useless for anything but attending dinner parties and getting measured for new suits, to which Carlson responds, “Good for you, Senator! Now that is something I’d like to hear from more of our, so-called, ‘leaders.’”
• The Boise City library‑-in its efforts to stay relevant in a world increasingly dominated by the likes of Google, Kindle, Facebook, Wikipedia, etc. — will propose a bold change. The proposal is quickly approved by the city council, resulting in the sign on the main building being expanded with the addition of two exclamation marks, joining the one that’s already there!!!