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June 16

9100 block of Irving st-Just like clockwork: Gold goes over $400, and all the crazy old gold miners start raiding local mercantiles for rakes, shovels, halogen lights and a dolly to haul out their life's fortune.

4300 block of Emerald St-A local antiques fan wants to increase his collection of historical relics; steals an ornate armoire and a Sega Genesis from a home.

June 17

500 block of N. Cloverdale rd-A Hypotherm plasma cutting machine and grinders are stolen from a residence. Pool of suspects is small; made up of all the people in town who actually know what a Hypotherm plasma-cutting machine and grinders are.

June 19

3000 block of Redwing Rd-It can get pretty competitive in the backup bands at the Weiser Fiddle Festival. Just ask the violence virtuoso who broke into a house to steal a lever-action rifle, multiple shotguns, a mandolin and ... an extra set of mandolin strings-because what good's your weapon with no bullets?

10 block of Wigle St-After months of secret longing, a covetous hausfrau tiptoes furtively into her neighbor's pantry. That casserole dish she has wanted so badly... it calls to her from the shelf. She says, "No, I can't!" But the dish doesn't listen. It commands, "Take me. Put me in your oven." She obeys. Then, to cover her crime of passion, she rips off some CDs on the way out. Only in her prayers will she ever admit her guilt.

June 20

9900 W. Quailstone Court-What could possibly be cooler than stealing your Thug Jr. a Specialized Hot Rock kid's mountain bike out of some sucka's house? Stealing the chump's Oakley shades on the way out. Snap!

June 21

2000 block of Maroon-An unspecified amount of Body Shop lotion comes up missing in a local residence. All signs point to the teenage son; no word on whether police will demand a polygraph.

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